Today I had a therapy session and it turned into quite an interesting session. We started with the conversation about my feelings when I first tested positive, and how I dealt with them. I felt I really had no time to think because I was just trying to survive similar to now. I never really felt the anger towards the government, medical field, the church, and the public. I knew the docs told me my time was 6 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, and ten years and I was still here. I made them partners and never gave them full control. Yes many died around me and I grieved about those loses and questioned god why he took them so early. I prayed always for guidance and felt I would get thru this. I never felt the stigma that was placed on this horrible disease and myself, mainly because I was trying to survive and get thru each day. Just trying to pay the bills.
Even growing up I never had words like faggot, gay, queer,etc, etc, etc, said to me. I was very lucky because many around did. My family and extended family were very accepting and understanding. Maybe there were words said behind closed doors but never at me. You see they saw me as the educated one in the family that graduated from college and then went on to his masters. I treated them as I wanted to be treated. You see I adored my grandmother, which was their mother or grandmother and that made them happy. One uncle and aunt help fund my education and travelings around the world. Helped my family with many of the finer things I’ve learned about life. They kinda shielded me from the rest of the world. They all knew I was gay but we didn’t speak of it often. They knew I had great respect for family and friends whom they knew all of them. So I look back at a happy upbringing. Not all can say that.
But I really never looked back at the history of the LGBT community and how horrible life was for many or most. The last thirty years have not all been great until recent and we still have a ways to go. I knew that in the 40’s and 50’s there were the underground clubs ( I knew this from Howard, my friend ). And most men who were gay might have had a beard. A woman posing as a girlfriend. But going further back in time there are instances of same sex love and sexuality within almost all ancient civilizations. In ancient Egypt there were findings of craved stone which depict images of a boy and man having sex together. There is a whole lot to research. My session today sparked an interest in me. I believe I was reborn from the Marie Antoinette time period because of its gaiety. But there is much to learn and as a gay man I should know my history. No matter how my life was affected but how others over time were affected. How ones were treated over the centuries. How acceptance kept evolving from time period to time period.