My meds are off, I’m forgetting days, I don’t want to eat anything but yogurt, that might be good and I’m sleeping over 10 hours a day. The confusion about the days concern me. I thought yesterday was Monday and today was Tuesday and it was a day off from therapy and I could start more searches for apartments. But I was wrong when the therapists called and asks where I was. I was in a total confusion and could only apologize. He understood with concern. I am consumed with stress from finances and really have no one to speak to. I just want someone to listen to me for once and not tell me their problems, it only confuses me more. I’m fragile and when a friend becomes hard on me in reference to these issues it doesn’t help. The reason for the meds being off, well I think they’ve been off for a while and I didn’t realize it. I thought I was okay, but I’m not. Sleeping so much is a sign of severe depression, I think. The confusion with the day doesn’t really happen often but it’s concerning. I feel when I’m in the apartment I’m safe, the minute I leave and drive across town I’m safe again. But in between I’m not. Driving from point A to point B is the problem. So maybe I get confused about the day at home. As I’m writing at this moment I still feel like its Tuesday. My previous psychiatrist always said I needed structure in my day. I have it by going to Starbucks each day and writing this blog. But the days all seem to meld into each other. Maybe because I do the same thing everyday. That might need to change.
I don’t have my mother or father to talk to who wouldn’t judge me like most are either thinking or doing. I’m tired of talking to the universe, praying to god, thinking positive thoughts or even meditating. I have this friend that always suggests these to me. But it’s not penetrating right now. I haven’t lost my faith but I feel like I’m praying and no ones listening. I do believe that my mom and dad might be listening but they could only guide. And I’m having a hard time being guided. Because there is so much turmoil in my life with finances and safety.
I always was up at 5:30/6:00 am, now 9/10 am. And I could probably sleep more, but I push myself out. It’s almost like the dog knows he gets his treat when I leave so he’s looking at me about noon or so. I don’t like leaving the house everyday, but it feel like a prisoner in there and can’t move around the neighborhood. I’m a prisoner in my own neighborhood in my apartment.
Now again I feel the only one listening is the dog, it does sound crazy but it’s how I feel. I guess he’s there with this unconditional listening and senses my emotions and feelings. So he stays very close to me at all times. He comforts me.
And about the yogurt, well that’s probably the only good thing, it’s healthy food and cheap.