Why fear?

It took everything I had to get out of the house today. I had been home for two days and felt very safe with shades down and being under the covers, but I knew it wasn’t good being home. My fear of leaving the house was strong. Even walking from my apartment to my car I have a fear of whats around me including all the new neighbors, I don’t know them and I feel like a cat in water, not happening. How does one leave the house with $8.16 in their checking account and no cash on hand. I worry about something happening and I don’t have some sort of cash. I’m fearful of leaving the dog because if something happens I don’t have the money for the vet. Forget about the needs for the dog, I’d go without for him, but I have nothing to go without . I’m fearful of being broke until the September 3, and that money is already accountable for. I fear my neighborhood that their might be block aid and I can’t get in due to police instructions.

I’m fearful
I’m fearful
I’m fearful

I believe theses fears are not helping my daytime meds I’m struggling with them. FEAR is scary for me and I fell safe at home. But given my history of hiding at home for almost 3 years and only going out for essentials, unless getting them delivered. This problem of money makes me almost fear that I might wound up on an expressway entrance with a cup. It just feels bad. Someone offered but they didn’t come thru, but I can’t expect this person or anyone to always come thru. He wasn’t always reliable in the past. So I’m scared, fearful, anxious that there are still 2 weeks to the month. And what happens. How do I eat, drive, even do laundry.

I have never felt these emotions so strongly. It’s worrying to me. Simply because this is every month and how long can one deal with this. I don’t know. I can’t keep sedating the fear because it comes back and it doesn’t always work. Meds aren’t the only answer. Sometimes the feelings stay and it takes more meds, and that scares me.

Some say was it smart to move to California, this was going to happen at some point no matter what. It would have happened in Florida, didn’t matter where. So yes……

I have FEAR
I have FEAR
I have FEAR

This fear is real in my head and it makes me scared so I hide and hide. How do others deal with fear? I’m fearful………..



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s