It’s Funny

Where are these people that are so spiritual, so connective. Where are the ones that say give in to the universe, you get what I mean. Or breathe, just breathe. Do they really understand or are they just running because they don’t want to be around any negativity or sadness. I think it’s both. People tend to not want to hear about depression, panic, fear, anxiety, etc. I understand that. But if your a friend you at least lend an ear. That’s all. At this point in my life I’m doing all I could just to get out of bed. I’m doing all I could just to eat and there’s very little food. I’m pushing myself really hard just to get out of the house. The person I was last year, 3 years ago, 10 years ago has changed dramatically. There have been challenges I’ve had to confront and at times I didn’t confront them. Fast forward after all the self medicating with Xanax and then dealing with the residual effects was tough. Very dangerous amounts daily. It was a bad addiction. And it brought other challenges when I stopped. The whole weaning off process was horrible and you pretty much do it on your own. The most important people at that time were the people in my program. Those were the only ones I dealt with on a daily basis. I had a one or two others check in often. But I got through it. But with all these changes I kept masking more and more until I couldn’t anymore. So that’s where I’m at now.

I don’t have any ill will towards anyone, my mental health eventually will be managed to a point where I get thru the day, the week, the month, etc. Or just moment to moment. And the rest hopefully will fill in. I don’t want to think about the past I want to know how I treat each day and cherish each day. Hey, I made it thru 28 years living with aids, fighting on a daily basis and I’m still here. This is a bigger fight and I want to be here another 28 years.

God Bless You All………..

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