Well it looks like I’m at a stand still with my my mind and what my body craves. Although I’m doing somewhat better, I knew what I needed to do to get back on financial straights. But my body is craving those days of hiding in bed during the xanax addiction. But now I have no xanax and the thought of it makes me nausaus. And my tolerance to benzos is so high that an average dose would do nothing. So 1-3mg of klonopin or 10-12mg of valium does not knock me out for 4-5 hours like I want. Just to hide. And I know that if I up the dosages I’m in big trouble. I know all this because I’ve been experimenting with it for the last week. I’ve shared with my group and my therapist about this and am extremly honest about what I’ve been doing. I don’t know if I want to stop, but I can’t up the ante on dosages. So there’s my connondrom. Ths is all in real time.
Addiction, I’m finding is a horoble disease, coupled with financial, enviromental depression, loneliness, and a whole host of other issues can really leave you no way to turn but benzos. But hiding in bed all day, eating and then back to bed is what I’m doing. Sometimes head out for a coffee and some writing, like now. But I know the risks. And they’re not good. Very similar to the days of Xanax…..
I’ve found the meetings I should go to but do I really want to go and am ready to stop. Obviously, the dosages aren’t working. My
mind is almost made up.